My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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