I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
