I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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