you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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