I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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