dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
