Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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