she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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