I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
