my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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