Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
