I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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