3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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