and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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