you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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