Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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