moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
