I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
