the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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