I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
