somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
