I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need a beard to bite.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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