Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
