wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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