i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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