its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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