I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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