Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
