I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I accidentally burped into my bong.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You're like the curious george of whores
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
