everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
