Pants 0. Shit 1.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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