Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
