i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
