Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
