I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
