i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
