Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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