Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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