it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
