True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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