I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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