what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
