Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she peed on how many people?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
