I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
