Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
