dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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