I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
