I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
