I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize