The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
