THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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