Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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