I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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