I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
