I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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