Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
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