Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
