I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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