just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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